Henry Louis Gates

“Sir, do you know how fast you were going?”

What I want to say:
“Well, duh! Of course I know how fast I was going, you moron. My speedometer works just fine. Haven’t met your quota for the month yet? Is that why you pulled me over?”

What I actually say:
(With my hands in plain view, clamped on the steering wheel.) I’m not really sure, but I guess it was in excess of posted limits. I imagine you’re going to want to see my license and registration.”

“Excuse me sir, but did you know that it is illegal to own or shoot off fireworks in this county?”

What I want to say:
“Buddy, I see by your uniform that you are a city policeman. Guess what? You’re half a mile into the county at this address. You have no jurisdiction to come onto my property and tell me what to do. Besides, everybody else in this neighborhood is going to shoot off fireworks tonight. Why are you singling me out?”

What I actually say:
(Casting an eye at the thick bank of smoke slowly drifting towards the street.) “I’m sorry, officer. We won’t set off anymore fireworks. As soon as these sparklers I’m holding burn out, we’ll move the party indoors.”

I offer these examples up as a way of establishing that I have some expertise in interacting with law enforcement without getting arrested. So I feel qualified to offer some advice to Henry Louis Gates. Gates is the Harvard professor who was arrested after breaking into his own house earlier this week.

It is important to remember that Gates was not arrested for the break in. He was arrested for shouting at the top of his lungs at the cop.

Rule #1: Never forget that the policeman is the guy with the gun, the stick, and the handcuffs. The last thing I like to do after a long international flight is spend three or four hours waiting to be arraigned and then bailed out at the police station. Even with the charges dropped, it could not have been a pleasant experience. In the words of the John Cougar Mellancamp song: “I fight authority, authority always wins.”

Rule #2: Try and see the situation from the police perspective. In responding to a burglary call, the policeman cannot assume that just because someone says they live in the house, they really do live in the house, particularly when the front door is still standing open when they arrive. If there really is a burglary in progress, the bad guys will lie. And if there are two burglars, as the initial report stated, this could turn into a life threatening situation very quickly. So when the cop asks you if there is anyone else in the house, responding “that’s none of your business” is going to raise the suspicion level considerably.

From all accounts, it sounds to me like Professor Gates did nothing to defuse a potentially dangerous situation, and did everything to escalate the confrontation.

Of course, what do I know? In all of my interactions with the police, I’ve known from the get go that I was in the wrong. Then again, I’ve never been arrested either.