Adventures in Taxland

True conversation with a tax client:
“How come I’m not getting as big a refund? Last year I got almost $6000, and you’re telling me that this year I only get $1000.”

“Well, sir, last year you claimed your daughter and granddaughter as dependents. The child entitled you to the Additional Child Tax Credit and the Earned Income Credit on your wife’s earnings. That made the difference.”

“Why can’t I claim my daughter and granddaughter this year?”

“Your wife told me that they moved out after living with you for only five months last year. They have to live with you at least half the year to claim them as dependents.”

“I’m just going to make a call to my daughter, and then we’re going to get that changed. She’ll tell you she lived with us all year long.”

“Sir, I’m not going to change this return. Before you got here your wife gave me this information, and you can’t unring a bell. If I knowingly falsify a tax return, I could lose my license.”

“Then I’m just going to get my return done somewhere else.”

Here is where we deviate from what actually happened. What I would have liked to have said:
“Sir, sit your ass back down. I have your social security number, and your wife’s social security number. I also have the 800 number the IRS uses to report tax fraud. Unlike you, I actually pay taxes, and I’m offended by your attempt to defraud the system. Now, we’re going to file your tax return as it stands, and you’re going to sit there and sign it.”

Of course, blackmailing your clients probably isn’t a good business model in the long run. What I actually said:
“It’s your prerogative to get your taxes done anywhere you want. Here is your wife’s W-2 form.”

You can’t always get what you want.